{"id":258,"date":"2017-10-18T12:56:25","date_gmt":"2017-10-18T12:56:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/councilart.com\/?p=258"},"modified":"2025-05-06T10:51:12","modified_gmt":"2025-05-06T10:51:12","slug":"how-to-be-empathetic","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/councilart.com\/index.php\/2017\/10\/18\/how-to-be-empathetic\/","title":{"rendered":"How To Be Empathetic"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_64093\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"width: 800px\"><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"size-full wp-image-64093 lazyload\" src=\"data:image\/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAAAAACH5BAEKAAEALAAAAAABAAEAAAICTAEAOw==\" alt=\"Back view of two friends walking through a field\" width=\"800\" height=\"533\" data-src=\"https:\/\/councilart.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/friends-backview.jpg\"><\/p>\n<p class=\"wp-caption-text\">(<a href=\"https:\/\/unsplash.com\/photos\/Uj749Jv6Otw\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\">Image<\/a>)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>Recently I was sharing a problem with a good friend over text. Not only did he respond right away, which I didn\u2019t expect because it was late his time (he lives in a different timezone), but he was very thoughtful in his reply. Some things he did that made me feel better:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>He didn\u2019t assume, but asked questions to understand my situation.<\/li>\n<li>He didn\u2019t judge but understood things from my perspective.<\/li>\n<li>He considered the situation from various angles.<\/li>\n<li>He gave me helpful suggestions on what could work.<\/li>\n<li>He sought to share my feelings, which were unhappiness, hurt, and frustration, rather than dismiss or brush them away, which I find common when I share my problems with other friends.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>I later realized that he had woken up midway through the night and saw my message, and seeing that I was in need, chose to respond rather than return to sleep. Our conversation ended up being over an hour long. Needless to say, I was very thankful and later texted him, \u201cThanks X. I really appreciate having you as a friend. \ud83d\ude42 \u201c<\/p>\n<h2>How to Have Empathy<\/h2>\n<p>Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. Having the ability to put yourself in other\u2019s shoes, and to relate and understand where they are coming from, even if you have not been in the situation before.<\/p>\n<p>It goes without saying that being empathetic is an important skill. I have shared personal problems with friends before but got replies that made me feel worse, and made me deeply regret sharing my problem. I have also made casual remarks that people would pick up, which later turned into heartfelt conversations, like with my good friend above.<\/p>\n<p>When you are empathetic towards others, you help them feel better about themselves. You let them know that they are not alone in their problems. You also strengthen your relationship with the person, because when you seek to share the feelings of the other, you allow thoughts and emotions to flow between the both of you.<\/p>\n<p>So how can we be more empathetic? Here are 8 tips to be empathetic to our friends, colleagues and family.<\/p>\n<ol>\n<li><strong>Put yourself in the person\u2019s shoes.<\/strong>\u00a0It\u2019s easy for us to comment and judge. We can say \u201cThis is no big deal\u201d or \u201cI don\u2019t see why you feel this way\u201d or \u201cYou\u2019re over-reacting.\u201d However, <span style=\"text-decoration: underline\">put yourself in the person\u2019s shoes and walk a mile<\/span>. Maybe they are undergoing great pain and difficulty. Maybe they are experiencing deep problems from other areas of their life. Maybe there are little issues that led them to behave this way. Without knowing the full details of a person\u2019s problem, how can we make a conclusion? Imagine you are the person. Imagine going through this problem right now, and try to understand things from their perspective. This will allow you to connect with their emotions and perspective better.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Show care and concern.\u00a0<\/strong>When someone tells you a personal problem, chances are he\/she doesn\u2019t feel well and needs your emotional support. Show care and concern. Ask, \u201cHow are you feeling?\u201d to show concern. \u201cIs there anything I can do for you?\u201d is a great way to show support. If you are close friends, offering to talk on the phone or meet up, can make a big difference to them. If he\/she is your partner, give him\/her a hug and be there for him\/her.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Acknowledge the person\u2019s feelings.<\/strong>\u00a0One of the biggest problems I find in communication is that many people don\u2019t acknowledge the other person\u2019s feelings. Acknowledging means to recognize the importance of something. So for example, someone says \u201cI feel so frustrated with X.\u201d Acknowledging this feeling means saying, \u201cWhy are you frustrated?\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m sorry to hear that. What happened?\u201d\n<p>On the other hand, when you brush off or dismiss that emotion (e.g. \u201cRelax,\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s the big deal?\u201d), or you try to avoid the topic or say something irrelevant, you are not acknowledging \u2014 or respecting \u2014 their feelings. <span style=\"text-decoration: underline\">Think about emotions as the connecting point in a conversation.<\/span> How you respond to an emotion is central to whether the person continues to share or closes off. When someone expresses an emotion, like \u201cI\u2019m sad,\u201d \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/personalexcellence.co\/blog\/anger\/\">I\u2019m angry<\/a>,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m frustrated,\u201d acknowledge the emotion. For example: \u201cI\u2019m so sorry that you are feeling this,\u201d \u201cThis must be really frustrating,\u201d or \u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/li>\n<li><strong>Ask questions.<\/strong>\u00a0Questions open a conversation. When someone gets the courage to share, especially a personal problem, asking questions encourages them to share more. Think about what the person said and ask meaningful questions.\n<p>For example, say your friend confides to you that she just <a href=\"https:\/\/personalexcellence.co\/blog\/heartbreak\/\">broke up<\/a>\u00a0with her long-term boyfriend. Asking questions like, \u201cWhat happened?\u201d, \u201cAre you okay?\u201d or \u201cWhy did you guys break up?\u201d can help her open up. It also tells her that you want to hear more. On the other hand, giving nondescript remarks like, \u201cI see, hope you can move on,\u201d or \u201cBreaking up is normal,\u201d or \u201cRest well and take a break\u201d are not only unhelpful, but shuts them from opening up further.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Mirror.<\/strong>\u00a0A big conversation stopper is when someone types 10 paragraphs of text while you respond with one short line.\u00a0Same when you respond to a deeply personal message with a mono-syllabic response, like \u201cI see\u201d or \u201cOk.\u201d That\u2019s because the person is being very open, while your response is closed off. You are not responding in resonance with the person.\n<p>This is where mirroring comes in.\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Mirroring_(psychology)\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Mirroring<\/a>\u00a0means to imitate someone\u2019s nonverbal signals \u2014 gesture, speech pattern, or attitude\u00a0 \u2014 to build rapport. In my opinion, NLP practitioners have made a bad rep out of mirroring. They teach people to replicate a person\u2019s mannerisms from head to toe. But this misses the point \u2014 mirroring is about connecting authentically with others. The goal is not to \u201ccopy\u201d someone\u2019s mannerisms blindly, but to use it to build rapport.<\/p>\n<p>For example, if your friend shares a personal fact, reciprocate by sharing a personal fact of your own (if relevant). If they make eye contact, reciprocate by giving eye contact. If they look away, look away and give them some private space. Don\u2019t copy every aspect of their\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/personalexcellence.co\/blog\/body-language\/\">body language<\/a>\u00a0without thought. Instead, adjust your behavior to match their tone and vibe.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li><strong>Don\u2019t run ahead of the conversation.<\/strong>\u00a0A big mistake I notice people making when someone is sharing a problem, is that they simply jump to the end point of the conversation.\n<p>For example: Someone tells you he just got retrenched. You reply, \u201cI see. Hope you can get a job soon.\u201d What\u2019s wrong with this? Firstly, the person just got retrenched, so he\u2019s likely feeling hurt and depressed. The more empathetic thing to do is to understand how he is feeling first. Secondly, the person may be retrenched because the job market is bad. Saying \u201cHope you can get a job soon\u201d can feel like you\u2019re rubbing salt into a wound, because it reminds them of the <a href=\"https:\/\/personalexcellence.co\/blog\/uncertainty\/\">uncertainty<\/a> ahead.<\/p>\n<p>What will help is to <span style=\"text-decoration: underline\">(a) connect the person based on their current emotional state, and (b) move them forward with forwarding questions<\/span>. In the retrenchment example, a good way to approach the conversation will be asking the following questions, in this order: \u201cI\u2019m so sorry to hear that. What happened?\u201d\u00a0\u2192 \u201cHow are you feeling now?\u201d \u2192 \u201cWhat are your plans?\u201d\u00a0\u2192 (and if he wants to look for a job soon)\u00a0\u2192 \u201cWhat kind of jobs are you looking for?\u201d Insert other questions in between, depending on the exchange.<\/p>\n<p>Another example: Someone just ended a long-term relationship. Saying \u201cCheer up and be happy\u201d right away is insensitive as it downplays the person\u2019s pain. Instead, ask questions like \u201cHow are you feeling?\u201d, \u201cAre you okay?\u201d, \u201cWhat happened?\u201d, or \u201cDo you want to talk?\u201d to move them out of their pain. While you may have good intentions in telling the person to be happy, it doesn\u2019t help as you are not acknowledging their pain. It\u2019s the same as denying their emotion and trying to tell them that their pain is not real, or not justified. Put yourself in the person\u2019s shoes and imagine how they feel (tip #1). Pace and match the person\u2019s emotional state, rather than trying to rush the conversation to a specific end point.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li><strong>Don\u2019t judge.<\/strong>\u00a0Judgment shuts off a conversation. This is the same for prejudgment, which means forming a judgement on an issue (or person) before you have adequate information. For example, say your friend gets into an argument with her boss, and you assume she is in the wrong because her boss is a manager. Or say, your friend scored poorly <a href=\"https:\/\/personalexcellence.co\/blog\/deans-list\/\">for exams<\/a>, and you assume that he didn\u2019t study \u2014 even though there could be other reasons like family problems. The best way is not to pass judgement. Give the person the benefit of the doubt. Everyone is struggling to do their best in life, so why judge and bring someone down?<\/li>\n<li><b>Show emotional support.\u00a0<\/b>Last but not least, give emotional support. This means, give them your trust and affirmation. Encourage them. Let them know that no matter what happens, you have their back. A supportive statement I often get is from my good friend R is: \u201cKnowing you, you always consider things very carefully. So whatever happens, I will support you.\u201d Sometimes, what people are looking for is not answers. It\u2019s also not solutions. Sometimes, all people are looking for is empathy and support. <span style=\"text-decoration: underline\">That in this big world of strangers, filled with fear and uncertainty, that there is someone here to support them, without judgement or bias.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>How can you apply the above to your relationships today? \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n<p>Read:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/personalexcellence.co\/blog\/conversation\/\">10 Rules of a Great Conversationalist<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/personalexcellence.co\/blog\/best-friends\/\">How to Have More Best Friends: My Heartfelt Guide<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/personalexcellence.co\/blog\/constructive-criticism\/\">How To Give Constructive Criticism: 6 Helpful Tips<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/personalexcellence.co\/blog\/disconnect\/\">Feeling Disconnected<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>(Image) Recently I was sharing a problem with a good friend over text. Not only did he respond right away, [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":260,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[13],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/councilart.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/258"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/councilart.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/councilart.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/councilart.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/councilart.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=258"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/councilart.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/258\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":261,"href":"https:\/\/councilart.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/258\/revisions\/261"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/councilart.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/260"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/councilart.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=258"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/councilart.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=258"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/councilart.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=258"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}